Silence

_{Photo by Burak K}

It’s 10:00 at night,
And too cloudy 
to see the stars.

I’m just waiting,
All alone and waiting.
My dreams wait, too.

The darkness 
surrounds me.
The night is silent.

I am silent, too.

.

LLH
8-4-2020
10:18 PM

I still talk to you.

I still talk to you
in my head.
It doesn’t make it better.

The pain is still 
so fresh.
It doesn’t help to write.

I never thought
you’d hurt me.
It doesn’t matter now.

I am so very close
to talking to my ex
simply to have someone
who listens.

I am so very close
to spilling more tears
simply to let sadness
find escape.

Do you hear
my sobs of grief
when she yells at you
all day?

Do you hear 
my silent prayers
when you lie awake
at night?

LLH
7/25/2020
9:45 pm

You Said No

It’s always times like these
When I think of you
And wonder if you ever think of me.
‘Cause everything’s so wrong, and I don’t belong
Living in your precious memory.

‘Cause I need you.
And I miss you.

A Thousand Miles, Vanessa Carlton

So much has changed,
and i just wanna tell you,
just wanna talk again.
             But you said no.

And i wonder about you
and if you’re hurting
and if you’re lonely.
              But you said no.

I was there for you.
You pushed me away.
I don’t belong here
all alone.
I don’t belong here
in your memory.

Do you think of me, too,
on days that are blue?
Do you think of me even
when the sun shines?
Do you think of me at all?
              Even though you said no?

LLH
7/6/2020
3:25 pm

Who was I to you?

“I didn’t mean to waste your time, so I’ll fall back in line.”

Turpentine, Brandi Carlile

Photo by Nika Akin

Years of friendship are gone.
Just sweet memories
collecting dust and cobwebs.
Who was I to you?

I didn’t mean to bother you.
I didn’t mean to grow fond of you.
I didn’t mean to break your shell
and learn too much of you.

Who was I to you?
Was I really your best friend?
Was I really important to you?
So important you drew a line?

I couldn’t have been anything
for you to erase me from your life
after years of daily talks
about the beach, then the weather.

But now the forgetting begins.
Where you fall out of my life.
And I fall out of yours.
And I’ll never need to ask again
“Who was I to you?”

LLH
7-4-2020
9:30 am

I wrote something today.

I wrote something today
that in the past
(just a week or so ago)
I’d share with you.

What do you think
of my feelings laid down
in black and white,
in rhyme and meter?

If only someone
(that only one)
who understood me
could tell me
what he thought.

But you left me alone.

Now no one hears my words,
and no one gets me
anymore.

 

Fuck you for being so selfish.

 

 

LLH
5-4-2020
10:53 PM

I’m at that point…

I’m at that point
where i want you
to feel as bad
as i do.

I want you
to miss my words
to miss our talks
to miss the beach
as i do.

I want you
to feel empty
to feel alone
to feel the tears
as i do.

I’m at that point
where i think i know
what i avoided
all these years.

I’m at that point
where i feel bad
just because
I want you.

 

LLH
5/11/2020
6:56 pm

Your Jail

What do i want
to say to you?
Anything at all?
Or maybe i should
just be silent,
like you are
to me.

You don’t deserve
to hear from me.
You don’t deserve
to read my words
and know
my thoughts.

I can’t believe
you are so scared
of not being
what they expect,
that you can’t
stand up and
just be you.

I am the only one
who accepts you —
as you.

But why do i write
as if you read
these words
I’ve written here?

Instead you sit
and do your work.
Not looking left.
Not looking right.

What a sad jail
and lonely existence
that you’ve agreed upon.

I’m sorry, my friend.

 

LLH
5/3/2020
9:00 PM

Echo

Hello?

 

There isn’t even an echo in reply.

And why would there be?

Who would want to answer?

 

Who would want to walk into this space

– dank, heavy, and endless –

with just me

and no one else?

 

I don’t even want to be with me.

Why would you?

 

 

LLH

4-24-2020

3:00 AM

Do You Understand?

I am still in disbelief

that you hurt me 

the way you did.

You.

 

Anyone but you,

I would’ve expected it from.

But not you.

 

Do you understand?

Can you even comprehend

how you tore me apart

when I was already 

so very low?

 

I knew it was coming.

Even though I didn’t.

I begged you to stand up

for yourself

for our friendship.

 

But what are my words,

black and white

on a computer screen,

to their speech,

their gestures,

their convincing tones?

 

And besides,

who am I

but some girl

you flirt with

behind everyone

else’s back?

 

Right?

 

That’s what they tell you..

That’s what they all think.

Is that what you think now, too?

 

I have looked for your email,

even on other accounts

that you wouldn’t possibly use.

 

I have tried to write this poem.

Tried to form words 

to explain what i feel

so you could understand.

 

Do you understand?

 

It hurts to be left

by everyone 

you love.

 

Oh, my friend,

it hurts. 

 

LLH

4/26/2020

10:45 PM

I’m Not Alright

I’m not alright.

I cry so hard that

I taste the sensation

of Lake Erie waves

crashing and filling

in my nose and

the back of my throat

like when i was ten,

eleven, twelve

on vacation every summer,

and it only

.   makes me

 .    cry harder.

 

LLH
4-16-2020
1:30 am