Unimaginable

sunset-dusk-twilight-sea

I go through life
whispering “i love you”
and hoping you don’t hear.

You go through life
walking on eggshells,
waiting for the next shoe to drop.

Others fall deeply,
writing new last names
with hearts and curly Qs.

I don’t even imagine
what it’d be like
to be in your every day,
under God’s bright sun,
in the dark of night,
at the grocery store,
and between the sheets.

A pang of regret
about missed experiences
and no one to hug.

But i don’t think further.
I really don’t.

It’s an empty pursuit
that ended before it began
with a line in the sand
that can never be crossed.

LLH
11/15/19
9:23 PM
I’m sorry that i wrote this. That i put my feelings into words on a screen. Visible and real. I’m sorry it’s a Friday night, and there are two long days until we speak again. I’m sorry you’re probably watching another Hallmark Christmas movie. I’m sorry for being needy and lonely and sometimes a little crazy. I’m sorry you need me as much as i need you.
No one reads these poems but you.

 

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Filed under Feelings, Love

Suddenly Aware

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I feel it slipping away.
They’re growing up
growing away.
I gave up everything
                for them.

Of course, i did.
And i’d do it again.
But i see the loneliness
the utter emptiness
             of my future.

I made so many mistakes,
so many wrong decisions,
that left me here
in a present that is
             slowly fading.

I feel the panic
and sudden awareness
that everything i’ve lived for
is eventually leaving me
             alone with myself.

By LLH
10/17/19
3:27 PM

“Growing Up Alone”by Clay Carson is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0

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Filed under Divorce, Feelings, Me, Parenting, Uncategorized

You You You #Poetry

Things were fine

before you returned.

I had just written

how full of love

i felt with my children.

Then you came in

and with a rush

of YOU YOU YOU

you knocked down

everyone else

so all that was left

was you.

 

LLH

3/30/18

10:46 PM

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Filed under domestic abuse, Feelings

Without You

Photo courtesy of Intimate Fitness ™

It’s been almost a week
without you.
It feels so quiet here
without you.

I strain to hear
your voice in the silence.
But all I hear
is your absence.

I get lonely
and more lonely
and i can only think
if you were here only.

What is this feeling
that I feel?
When will this healing
begin to heal?

You aren’t mine
and i’m not yours
But i near the line
and open doors

To places I don’t belong
but long to linger
And just once
feel your fingers

As they stroke my face
and run through my hair
As if I were there
or you were here.

LLH
3/23/18
9:46 am

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Filed under Feelings, Love, Me

Dirty Dishes – Poetry

Photo courtesy of beeveephoto on Flickr.

She has a plan
and good intentions,
but she stands at the sink
and washes the dishes.

Dirty water
won’t stop draining
and all she thinks
is of poetry writing.

She’s slowly falling apart.

She thinks of poetry.
A bubble she blows.
She refills the sink
and listens to Crows.

Where did i go?
Who am i now?
Am i exactly the same,
and if so, how?

The dishes are done,
and dinner is fine.
My insides turned out
what did i find?

I’m slowly falling apart.

 

LLH
11/15/17
7:06 pm

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Filed under Feelings

Without You #Poetry

los-angeles-family-photos-el-matador-jen-huang-3

From 100 Layer Cakelet

Without you
there is no one
to tell me i’m okay.
Without you
I will believe
every lie that they say.

Without you
I am lonely
and so very alone.

I hate this time.
I hate this day.
I even hate my home.

There is nothing
anymore
but negativity.

There is nothing
anymore
but what i have done wrong.

Was your promise
necessary?
Was your promise
the end of me?

Without you
it is my end.
I’ll only say
Goodbye, my friend.

 

LLH
11:18 PM
10/21/17

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Filed under Uncategorized

When Goodbye Is Forever

I didn’t realize
that goodbye
really meant
goodbye.

Forever is a long time
to go without a friend
that you’ve been with
forever.

And now i’m all alone.
And now i’m always sad.
And now i can’t tell you
When something makes me smile.

I go to the beach
and wander past the waves
and feel the sand
as it pushes between my toes.

But you aren’t there.
You were always there.
Just me and you.
And now i’m all alone.

I don’t know how
to say goodbye
when goodbye
is forever.

LLH
7/17/17
4:19 pm

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Filed under Feelings, Me