I still can’t say
your name aloud.
When I try,
as I near that word,
I tear up.
My voice cracks.
The tears form.
Who knew it’d be this hard?
Do you think it was love,
even though I denied it?
Even though I thought
I stayed on my side
of that imaginary line
we drew between us,
do you think it was love?
If so, I’m sorry.
I never meant
to cross it.
I never meant
to let myself fall.
I never meant
to do something
that you didn’t want.
*****
I’m sorry I fell in love with you.
LLH
4/1/21
“In my defense, I have none
For never leaving well enough alone.
But it would’ve been fun
If you would’ve been the one….
“I persist and resist the temptation to ask you
If one thing had been different
Would everything be different today?”
~ The 1, Taylor Swift
I can’t let it go.
It’s been almost a year
since you said goodbye.
This time was for real.
And I can’t let it go.
I keep thinking of you.
I keep thinking of us.
But there never was an us,
was there?
The things that have happened
that you don’t know about.
The things that have happened
that I don’t know about.
And I just can’t let it go.
I want to tell you
all about my life now.
I want to hear
all about yours.
But that’ll never happen again,
will it?
And I just can’t let you go.
I keep digging up the past
and dreaming of
what-could’ve-been’s
but I wake up
and realize
you’ll never be
the one.
LLH
1-29-21
9:50 PM
I’m sorry, my friend, but it hurts.
Filed under Feelings, friendship, Me
If I could make myself believe
that we will talk again,
then the days would be easier,
and I wouldn’t cry so much.
If I could make myself believe
that you still think of me,
then I could get off these pills
and live my life again.
But I’m all grown up.
I’m no longer a kid.
And I just don’t play
make believe anymore.
LLH
12-23-2020
9:45 am
Filed under Feelings, friendship, Me
“I’ll treat you like a queen.”
“I’ll kiss your lovely hand.”
“I’ll be forever yours.”
Each line was a scam.
You treat me like a whore.
Two paychecks for an hour
to fulfill your fantasies
and turn my stomach sour.
Because i turn you down,
you say you’re calling CPS.
You say your home is better,
but I know mine is best.
You drunk text me
to tell me I’m a slob,
that your work is important,
that I don’t have a job.
And then your sober self
says you want to hold my hand,
but all I can think is how
I want to have you banned.
The courts can kick you out
of my life and theirs.
Not that it matters.
Not even like he cares.
It’s me he wants to damage.
Me he wants to control.
He wants my body and mind.
He even wants my soul.
But he’ll have none of it.
He’ll have none of me.
I’m stronger than that,
and I’m finally free.
I quit being Mrs.
I’ll forever be Ms.
I am a queen,
but I am not his.
LLH
11-8-2020
9:25 pm
Filed under Addiction, Divorce, domestic abuse, Me
Five church bells
ring through the brisk air,
and the sun begins
its early descent.
Technically,
it’s still autumn,
but the snow on the ground
implies otherwise.
It is the season
of depression and doom,
where nothing gets done
and I just don’t care.
SADness weeps
with the early dusk,
and I struggle to get through
another workday,
another dinner time,
another anything.
I tried to prepare
for the coming weakness
with brand-new pills
of happiness and energy.
But they only wore me down
heavily
like a big shaggy dog
that doesn’t want to be walked.
And so I prepare myself
for a deep winter slump
covered over by snow
and cold
and sadness.
LLH
11-2-2020
5:00 pm
It’s 10:00 at night,
And too cloudy
to see the stars.
I’m just waiting,
All alone and waiting.
My dreams wait, too.
The darkness
surrounds me.
The night is silent.
I am silent, too.
.
LLH
8-4-2020
10:18 PM
I still talk to you
in my head.
It doesn’t make it better.
The pain is still
so fresh.
It doesn’t help to write.
I never thought
you’d hurt me.
It doesn’t matter now.
I am so very close
to talking to my ex
simply to have someone
who listens.
I am so very close
to spilling more tears
simply to let sadness
find escape.
Do you hear
my sobs of grief
when she yells at you
all day?
Do you hear
my silent prayers
when you lie awake
at night?
LLH
7/25/2020
9:45 pm
Filed under Feelings, friendship, Me
It’s always times like these
A Thousand Miles, Vanessa Carlton
When I think of you
And wonder if you ever think of me.
‘Cause everything’s so wrong, and I don’t belong
Living in your precious memory.
‘Cause I need you.
And I miss you.
So much has changed,
and i just wanna tell you,
just wanna talk again.
But you said no.
And i wonder about you
and if you’re hurting
and if you’re lonely.
But you said no.
I was there for you.
You pushed me away.
I don’t belong here
all alone.
I don’t belong here
in your memory.
Do you think of me, too,
on days that are blue?
Do you think of me even
when the sun shines?
Do you think of me at all?
Even though you said no?
LLH
7/6/2020
3:25 pm
Filed under Feelings, friendship, Me
“I didn’t mean to waste your time, so I’ll fall back in line.”
Turpentine, Brandi Carlile
Years of friendship are gone.
Just sweet memories
collecting dust and cobwebs.
Who was I to you?
I didn’t mean to bother you.
I didn’t mean to grow fond of you.
I didn’t mean to break your shell
and learn too much of you.
Who was I to you?
Was I really your best friend?
Was I really important to you?
So important you drew a line?
I couldn’t have been anything
for you to erase me from your life
after years of daily talks
about the beach, then the weather.
But now the forgetting begins.
Where you fall out of my life.
And I fall out of yours.
And I’ll never need to ask again
“Who was I to you?”
LLH
7-4-2020
9:30 am
Filed under Feelings, friendship, Me, Memories
I wrote something today
that in the past
(just a week or so ago)
I’d share with you.
What do you think
of my feelings laid down
in black and white,
in rhyme and meter?
If only someone
(that only one)
who understood me
could tell me
what he thought.
But you left me alone.
Now no one hears my words,
and no one gets me
anymore.
Fuck you for being so selfish.
LLH
5-4-2020
10:53 PM
Filed under Feelings, friendship
