Category Archives: Divorce

Suddenly Aware

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I feel it slipping away.
They’re growing up
growing away.
I gave up everything
                for them.

Of course, i did.
And i’d do it again.
But i see the loneliness
the utter emptiness
             of my future.

I made so many mistakes,
so many wrong decisions,
that left me here
in a present that is
             slowly fading.

I feel the panic
and sudden awareness
that everything i’ve lived for
is eventually leaving me
             alone with myself.

By LLH
10/17/19
3:27 PM

“Growing Up Alone”by Clay Carson is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0

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Filed under Divorce, Feelings, Me, Parenting, Uncategorized

The Backyard Pond – A Poem About Loss That’s Not That Bad

Award-winning photo by Hara Woltz

Award-winning photo by Hara Woltz

He is a curse
dressed as a blessing.
Indifference
that promises love.
A promise as empty
………..as the pond
………..in Dad’s backyard.

The fish are dead;
the turtle gone
to find a home
………..deeper, cooler.

I am as sorrowful
at losing him
……….as losing the pond.

Both I’ve known
for years upon years.
Both bring comfort
……….and a smile.
A familiar place
……….to return to.

But now it’s time
to fill that empty hole,
make something new
……….in its place.

Something, perhaps,
I will love passionately.
Something that won’t
be so draining
……….or so shallow.

LLH
9/30/16
9:o0ish AM

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Filed under Divorce, Feelings, Nature

Mixed Emotions

Photo by LilyLover.

Photo by LilyLover.

He’s the one that got my humor.

The one that i could laugh with.

He was my soul mate

for sixteen long years.

Years of pain and poison.

 

It’s good he’s gone.

It’s good i left him.

So why am i so sad?

Why am i hurting?

 

Is it the loneliness?

The extra responsibility?

Missing arms holding me

and lips on my neck?

 

Depression is heavy.

It wears you down.

The little pills are no substitute

for the happiness i felt.

 

LLH

4/12/15

11:29 PM

 

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Filed under 30in30, Divorce, domestic abuse, Feelings

Divorce

Photo from The Grid.

Photo from The Grid.

I am a failure.
People say “sorry”
when they hear
the news.

But I’m not sorry.
I tried.
.  I forgave.
.    I forgot.
And yet
he lied.
.  he took.
.    he hurt.

People say
when you’re in love,
.        you stay.
When you say “I do,”
.        it’s forever.
Vows before God
.        can’t be broken by man.

They hear “divorce”
and they think
it’s a shame.

But I can’t say
he beat me.
I can’t explain the drugs,
the loneliness, the fear.

So don’t assume
and don’t judge
just because
.  I’m happy
.    to be free.

 

LLH
4-8-15
3:58 pm

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New Year

Image from Flower Shop Network.

Image from Flower Shop Network.

New year,
New goals.
Build me,
Shed fool.
Cleansing rain
January showers.
Clear my mind
Send me flowers.
Smiles come
To my inbox
Long discussions
Lengthy talks.
I’m sorry that
You make me
Happy.
I’m sad to
Admit it’s true.
‘Cause we both know
That “us” is one
New Year’s wish
That can never
come true.

LLH
January 2015

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Filed under Divorce, Feelings, Love

Growing

Thanks to FeelGrafix for the image.

Thanks to FeelGrafix for the image.

Growing stronger
With each sunrise.
Feel the beating
In my chest.

My God,
My Savior,
He protects me
From you
And all that
Beat me down.

Growing certain
Of my choices
That I’ve questioned
From Day 1.

Growing happy
With my life
As a single
Yet not just one.

LLH
3-5-15
10:39 AM

2 Comments

Filed under Divorce, God

Turn Around

Photo courtesy of QuoteEveryday.com.

Photo courtesy of QuoteEveryday.com.

Turn around
Walk away
Save your heart
And your mind.

Stand up tall
Head held high
You’re worth more
Than his words.

Someone thinks you’re pretty.
Someone values you.
Someone knows you’re smarter
Than he made you believe.

You are you.
Love that you.
Do not change
To be his.

LLH
11-10-14
2:40 pm

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Filed under Divorce, domestic abuse, Love, Me

One Week After

The tears fall

irregularly

over little hurts

real and imagined.

 

Our world hiccupped

to February ‘13

But now they are older

now they understand.

 

Me?

It is my fault.

I tried to make it work.

 

But

It isn’t under my control.

Is anything, really?

 

Control is an illusion.

 

I wipe the tears.

I offer my arms

and my love.

 

We eat pizza

and watch a movie

……and heal.

 

Tomorrow will be better.

 

Photo courtesy of Leonid Mamchenkov

Photo courtesy of Leonid Mamchenkov

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LLH

10/22/14

10:34 AM

2 Comments

Filed under Divorce, domestic abuse, Family, Feelings, Parenting

Your Latest Promise #30in30 #make30 #poetry

Thanks to Effusion Designs for the photo.

Thanks to Effusion Designs for the photo.

You serve me hot dogs

On a paper plate.

The ketchup looks

Like dripping blood.

 

I eat deliberately,

Thinking solely of

Your latest offering

Your latest promise.

 

Why should I hope?

(Because I want it.)

Why should I consider?

(It’s all I ever wanted.)

 

Your love is the carrot

Dangling out of reach

That I’ve been chasing after

For these sixteen odd years.

 

But now I question

Why I race

Why I chase

After your promises

After your tease

After your lies

After your love.

 

It’s only just a carrot.

 

LLH

4/27/14

4:42 PM

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Filed under 30in30, Divorce, Feelings, Love

Who do you think you are? #30in30 #make30 #poetry

Thanks to Catching Fire for the photo.

Thanks to Catching Fire for the photo.

Who do you think you are?

Wanting me one more time?

I am fragile still.

A shell of who I ever was.

 

You tell me that you love me

That I’m the only one.

Does she know that?

The one you called “most beautiful”?

 

I will grow strong.

I will move on.

I will find love

That isn’t a lie.

 

I threw away 16 years

In an attempt to make us whole

And now you say

It’s all my fault.

 

I do not accept you

As you are.

I constantly revisit

Our tortured past.

 

Who do you think you are?

Blaming me for your abuse?

I am strong now.

Strong enough to walk away.

 

 

LLH

4/20/14

12:23 AM

1 Comment

Filed under 30in30, Divorce, domestic abuse, Feelings